How do you do it? How do you get yourself to 'feel' thankful? Oh, I can mouth the words. Yes I have much. I can see pain and suffering in others. I am healthy. I have a loving husband. Why do I feel down?
It's what the experts call cognitive dissonance. When there is an inconsistency between attitudes or behaviors (dissonance), something must change to eliminate the dissonance. In the case of a discrepancy between attitudes and behavior, it is most likely that the attitude will change to accommodate the behavior.
Hmmmm. So, maybe if I can go thru the actions (behavior), my attitude will change. Interesting.
I remember having a strong dislike for a particular Head Nurse with whom I had to work. I discussed my feelings with a third party about my 'cognitive dissonance'...i.e. the job required me to be in a positive relationship with this person and yet I didn't like her....resented her. The third party told me to 'pray' for the HN. I was NOT supposed to pray that the HN would change....I was to pray that things would be good for this HN. I was to pray she would have the strength to cope with difficulties in her life and that she would find love and joy. What? I couldn't stand her. Hmmmmm. I tried it and found my attitude toward her changing. The theory applied here would be....... you can't be wishing 'good' for someone you can't stand....or you will have cognitive dissonance. Something has to change...the balance has to change.
When I awoke this AM around 5AM after not going to bed till 1AM I knew I could not sleep any longer. I was feeling 'down'. I was in touch with my feelings...or as they call it my 'dark or shadow side', but I couldn't shake it. Oh, I felt justified in these negative feelings. I just wanted out. I wanted to cut off from everyone. No need to tell you why or for whom I held these feelings...it doesn't matter. I was 'down'.
Maybe it was a recent communique from someone that set me off. Maybe it was the whole idea of 'holidays'. Maybe it was finally acknowledging I am getting old and I don't want to be OLD. I want to be 35 again. I don't want to be written off by the younger generation. I know how quickly 10-15 years can pass and I'll be really old then.
Don't tell me "It beats the alternative".....that doesn't help me. I KNOW that. I KNOW I'm fortunate to have what I have in my life....I just don't know how to 'let go' of certain things.
Don't tell me to stay busy....I am busy. I belong to a discussion group which I love. I'm taking pottery lessons which I love. I have deep, loving, meaningful discussions with Rich. Yet, I couldn't shrug those negative thoughts and feelings.
Festinger. L developed the theory of 'cognitive dissonance' and he says ' Dissonance can be eliminated by reducing the importance of the conflicting beliefs, acquiring new beliefs that change the balance, or removing the conflicting attitude or behavior.
Rich got up shortly after he realized I was up. I didn't even have to tell him what was wrong. He knew. I'm not sure he's familiar with Festinger's theory, but he surely knows how to apply it. At first he listened to me....he listened to what I was feeling...not just what I was saying. He didn't try to tell me I should be grateful for this or that. He validated my feelings by sharing with me that he too has many of the same.
What he did do was help me focus on changing the balance of the conflicting beliefs. We looked at the issues and discussed how we might focus our beliefs. This is similar to the suggestion above about praying for someone I couldn't stand. How could I strongly dislike someone for whom I wanted all good things? Change the balance. Focusing on the good wishes diminished my negative feelings for that HN. My attitude toward her changed....and that's a true story.
After sharing with Rich I felt so much better. Nothing has changed in my life, but I once again am realizing I have a choice in how I will focus my attitudes and beliefs. I think I'll be OK....and I hope you will also be. My wish for you is that you too, can find someone anyone in your life with whom you can share your whole being....someone who will accept you when you are fun to be around and also love you when you are not.
